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Summer Between 9th and 10th Grade

Well Ewen was off all meds since Christmas...no Zithromax or Prozac. I gave him vitamins and more recently I started giving him a vitamin by Xymogen called, Mood Food. It has GABA and 5HTP in it, and some B vitamins. I also give him B1 (Thiamine) and probiotics.

Just a few days ago he started back on Zithromax again. He has been super angry and unusual. It reminded me of the week before he started his panic attacks when he was 10. So his pediatrician said to do another round and see if that helped. It did and he is less angry these past two days and even apologized out of the blue for being so angry. He realized he needed to take it and I had him talk to is pediatrician on the phone about it. We did a phone appointment because of COVID.

A few months ago he has blood work done and he still has low immune levels. I was disappointed in that finding as I had hoped that puberty got rid of his autoimmune issues.

It is very strange being a mom to a 15-year-old. Ewen basically has decided that it is NOT cool to hang out with me anymore and for a while he was saying no to every suggestion. I suppose that is normal for a 15-year-old but I miss him. It is hard to be able to know how he is doing when he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Thankfully he will talk to our pediatrician, but he always tells everyone that things are OK no matter what. So I am also glad she is able to dig a bit deeper and see if things really are OK or if they are starting to get out of control again.

I remember when he was 10, sitting in the therapists room with two therapists who were asking him questions about his fears. One question they asked was, “Do you think ISIS might come in that door right now and kill you?”
His answer was, “yes”.

I think about how I knew he had irrational fears, but I did I not know that. I did not know that he lived in constant fear that some terrorist group was going to kill him any minute. So now I live with a lot of hope that he doesn’t have that anymore. When I check in with him now, he gets angry. So I can’t gauge anything. My husband said that 15-year-olds are dealing with lots of testosterone and what is happening is normal. But it is foreign territory for me. He has always be so trusting and sweet to his mama that it is really hard for me. But I am giving him his space and just looking from afar. And if anything looks really off, I will take him to the doctor. But for now he made straight A’s this last quarter, even though it was at home because of COVID. He plays his online video games with his friends and is learning to drive and that is about it. I think the new round of Zithromax is a good idea, and I think things overall, are good. I still worry. But it is a different level of worry than when he was crashing at age 10. My current worries are accompanied by the fact that we have a good pediatrician, I am a part of a PANS Veterans Facebook group that has amazing ideas on how to help these kids, and I know how to assemble a team again for him, should he ever need it.

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