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Almost a Month

On the 4th or 5th day of Lexapro, Ewen sat on my bed and said he felt like he wanted to harm himself. So we stopped that and kept going with the propranolol. Now he takes 5 mg at 9am, 12:30pm, 4pm and then 7mg (3/4 of a pill) at 7:30. That way he does better at bedtime but it isn't so close to bed time that he gets nightmares. He is still anxious though and the propranolol makes him feel wha he calls, "blegh". His face looks sad and tired most of the time.

It has almost been a month now since the first panic attack and major panic disorder was triggered, and tomorrow we are finally seeing our first therapist. She is on our insurance and knows CBT. I haven't heard anything good or bad about her but she was nice and calm on the phone. We will see how it goes tomorrow morning.

Owen is still on hyper alert and scared of everything. He has decided that baths make him too anxious and it has been about 4 days now with no bath.

His new psychiatrist wants to put him on Intuiv. I'm worried about the 3% depression and dysphagia side effects since he is kind of depressed now and also is having a hug difficulty in swallowing. He also had dysphagia as a baby and grew out of it at 6 months. So I am very scared of the side effects.

I'm hoping he won't have those side effects and that  it will help his anxiety, tics, and get rid of his tight throat and new weird fear of water.

Tomorrow his team soccer practice starts. I'm nervous about that too. His face doesn't show a happy alert kid who is ready to go out and play two hours of soccer. His face looks waged out, exhausted and he looks ill. Maybe the exercise will do him good. Maybe he will do it tomorrow and refuse to do it again.

I don't know how to safely wean him off the propranolol and put him on the Intuiv since they both bring down heart rate.

I like that Intuiv cuts adrenaline since Buspar does too and that helps me.

I'm mostly worried that if drugs make him worse that it will be even harder to bounce back from this trauma.

He is able to hang out with his BFF and look at video games. Today he played Ping Pong. He goes on the trampoline. I just want his face to be bright and have optimism in it instead of fear. There is so much fear now.

I feel like I will never be well while he is sick.  I have lost 10 lbs and don't really sleep anymore.

So that is what is happening. I want something good to happen.

-Me.

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