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This Weekend



Prozac day 17

This weekend was OK, mostly because Ewen's BFF was here. Ewen skipped a birthday party playing Laser Tag in the woods on Saturday because of  his anxiety (too many potential biting bugs/snakes and things in the woods). But he went to the Medieval Faire this afternoon (Sunday) with his BFF and I realized that it is the first time he has been gone for the day away from his family since this all started. I realized because I had to bring his friend's mom 2 water bottles with inositol in it and his propranolol in a zip lock bag...one for 12:30pm and one for 4pm. I was happy that he wanted to go to the Faire but a bit worried too since he hasn't done an all day thing like that since this started.

When he came home at 6:30pm he said it was OK. He said he went on a ride that made him want to barf and that the kettle corn and toasted candy almonds that they sell at the Faire were better last year. He was a bit bummed and said that things just aren't as awesome and fun as they were before this all started. I told him that it takes 4 weeks for the Prozac to work properly and that it will get better and things will be awesome and fun again. DH said that he is still shell shocked from everything and it takes a while to heal from that.

We also told Ewen this morning (after he started up his video games at 8am) that we are cutting back his Agario. He wasn't happy about that either and said that playing Agairo with people online was like having a playdate. I told him that we would have to get real friends over instead of online friends. I told him that I want to start slowly bringing him back into the world again. I told him that I knew he wasn't completely better yet and we will take this slow, but that 4 hours of Agario a day is not good for his brain and that I was worried about it. At least it is not 8 hours of Agario a day, which is what it was the first few weeks of all this when he was constantly struggling to simply cope.

So we have changed the rules so that every day of the week, including weekends he can't play Agario until after 2pm and then he can play for 2 hours a day. I think that is still a lot of video game time but he didn't think he could get enough "good stuff" for his Youtube videos with 2 hours of playing time to work with. But he is only 10 years old, he can't obsess over one video game for weeks and that be OK. We have to mix it up some.

Tonight he didn't want to take a bath. I told him they weren't going to like that at CBT tomorrow and he said, "I HATE CBT". He was in bad shape, exhausted and I think that since we upped his Prozac to 6mg at dinner time that he was feeling it a bit before he went to sleep. He told me he was a wreck, and the only thing he wasn't a wreck at was being a wreck. At least he had a bit of a sense of humor left in him. Thankfully it didn't take more than 10 minutes for him to fall asleep. I read him some good Prozac reviews on my phone (skipped the iffy ones) from some people who said you just have to stick with it and sometimes it can take a long time, more than 8 weeks even. But that it gets better and better with time. I am so impatient for him to feel better and to have fun when he goes out again. I want him to enjoy himself and not feel "ugh" at soccer practice tomorrow evening. We have decided that DH will take him just for 1 hour and see how he does. The weather is supposed to be unseasonably nice tomorrow so at least he won't freeze out on the field. He missed his tournament this weekend and his team won the tournament. There is another one next weekend and we aren't sure about that  one either.

I just want him to feel that Ewen joy in his heart again. He has always been such a happy and motivated kid. It kills me to see him in a hole of anxiety and depression and fear. He is too young for this and should be having a blast riding his bike and going to school and playing sports. I guess it was all just too much pressure. I don't know, I guess he also is genetically pre-disposed to mental illness. He is a brilliant, brilliant child and what a burden that so many gifted people have to bear. I just want him to feel that kid-security and fun in his heart. All this crap is supposed to come at 15 or 16. Not now.

When he fell asleep tonight to the Pandora sleep music on DH's phone,  I sat there for a while on the edge of his bed and felt peaceful hearing his breathing without his huffing tic. His too-long bangs were flopping across his closed eyelids and I was able to just sit next to him without experiencing his jitteriness or angst or fear. He was just peaceful and breathing gently. It reminded me of watching him when he was a baby and I just wanted to stay there with him in that peaceful moment forever.


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