10-Year-Old with Panic (PANS)

(first night at 5ml's of prozac, went up from 3ml's) When I apologetically mentioned to Amira's tutor that I find my moods tend to be dictated by how my children are doing these days, she told me that was to be expected and that I was too hard on myself and gosh she'd like to send me to Hawaii for a vacation. Her house is near our's. I love that we can walk there and her living room is like an oasis. There is no great wealth in her living room. There is a stylish and comfy couch with some bright cushions. Her windows are the old kind but they are huge. She opens them up and they let in golden morning light and the sheer curtains blow gently in the breeze. She always has one candle burning so when we walk in and put Amira's books down take our shoes off and take off our coats, something smells really good. She plays a Pandora station of music that is both soothing and uplifting. I'm so glad that Amira gets to go there for a few hours of the day. She ...

It's interesting because we have had a day much free of huffing. It has been really nice to have him just be chill and himself. But now, at 3:30 he is starting to huff a bit again. This morning Ewen went with his sister over to the tutor's house. She has a lovely small house with a living room that is full of the morning sun and this morning the air had a lovely breeze coming through her windows. Ewen brought his book and he told me later that her living room was the best place in the world for reading a book. It was fantastic to have a couple of hours to work and not feel bad because I'm not hands on homeschooling him. When he came home at lunch time we went for a bike ride around the historic neighborhood nearby. Then I called DH and he and Ewen rode downtown and ate lunch at a restaurant. Then he rode Ewen home afterwards. At home he went to his computer to watch Agar.io videos for half an hour for his lunch break. And when he came out of his room he looked a bit...

Kid #1 - Ewen (age 11) Today he is on 6.5 weeks of Prozac and although he has come extremely far, he is not back to his best and still huffs all the time and is not able to find peace when he takes a break from being distracted by something he is very interested in. He said he feels awful when he just sits there without something taking up his brain power. We sat on is bed today and talked after I booted him off his computer. He seemed to me that he was experiencing terrible discomfort and anguish. He is supposed to shadow at a local private school next thursday, but he couldn't even come with me today to a reading group I used to volunteer at helping kids. He was a mess today. I'm wondering if the Prozac just isn't right for him, or perhaps we need to get to 8 weeks? I think now about Buspar and what if I was allowed to have him put on that in the beginning of all this mess like I asked and practically begged (because it helps me for anxiety), if he would be doing ...

We are in the middle of Ewen's 6th week on Prozac. We have been waiting so long for this, for the promise of some relief at 6-8 weeks on the stuff. He's definitely doing better but there are still problems. He still feels what he calls "blegh" but that might be from the propranolol. The other day at the park he wanted to go home because he was anxious. But  yesterday on Saturday, his 11th birthday, he had two soccer games an hour and a half out of town and DH said he did fine. He said he didn't play that great but he was in ok spirits and was happy coming home. Then on Saturday, two friends came over after the games and had birthday cake with him. One stayed over last night and today there were 4 kids at the house and the boys rode bikes from our house to the neighbor friend's house, back and forth throughout the day. There is nothing more therapeutic than having friends to hang out with. He played basketball over there, and over here they all played Agar.i...

Not so great today...Ewen woke feeling depressed and he was huffing a lot. He had to come with me to drop his sister off at his old school, as she still attends school there On the way back I asked if his wiggly leg thing was better and he said no. I asked what it felt like and he told me that he has to keep tightening his muscle in his leg over and over and over and over again and can't stop. If he does he said it is like torture. So I don't know if this side effect (I think it is a side effect because he never had this before) is worth it. I told him we would give it two more weeks and if he was still dealing with this we would go off it or change the medicine. He said he wanted to stay on the Prozac until it worked and I thought to myself...he thinks it's not working? All day today he has been huffing. We had to leave the park on our bikes this afternoon because he said he was feeling anxious...which hasn't happened in a very long time. So when we got home I m...

Ewen has always loved swimming and was so excited when my parents bought a house with a pool in the back yard last year. But when he got sick in December he became afraid that he would drown in the pool. Over Christmas my parents had it heated to 80 degrees and my sister who was visiting from NY and her family, swam every day. But Ewen hid away in the computer room and didn't go anywhere near it. Today was the last day of the intensive CBT therapy. He is going to continue with CBT one or twice a week indefinitely. But today was his "graduation" so the final challenge was to swim in Grandma and Grandpa's pool. They got it heated up to 76 degrees which is still a bit cold. Katie and Matt met us at my parent's house and Katie jumped right in the pool first. Then Ewen had to jump in next. He was not excited about it, and when he did jump in he swam just fine across the pool but he was freezing and wanted to get out.  So they eventually got out and then he played ...

We are on week 5 of Prozac. Ewen is out of his dark hole but he still can't sit even remotely still and relax if his mind isn't fully occupied with something very stimulating like video games or something of his choice. He does well on bike rides and hanging out with friends. He goes on the trampoline and he can play soccer and go to 2-hour practice again. He is still wiped out emotionally afterwards but enjoys it while he plays which is a HUGE, massive improvement from avoiding soccer practice at all costs and telling me he is going to quit next season because he just doesn't enjoy it anymore. Yesterday, Valentines day, I gave him and his (almost) 13-year-old sister a joint birthday party/ Valentines Day party and we rented a tent and a dance floor for the back yard. DH got an iTunes DJ app and set up the stereo outside. He synched up some play lists the kids put together with the app and we had a full on dance party with all of Ewen's friends and his sister...

Today Ewen was tired but did OK on the couch at CBT. He squirmed a bit but he was much less wiggly than just a few days ago when we put his dosage up to 10mg. He practiced eating a yogurt with granola to see if he could chew it up and swallow it as quickly as his therapist. He won his challenge and he said that he has been eating these yogurts anyway on his own with no problem. I asked him if he throat was still tight and he said, not when he wasn't thinking about it and just eating. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but I couldn't believe that CBT had actually helped make it so that he could eat properly again without feeling like he was choking. He has stopped spitting out his food and stopped swishing it around in his mouth and doing other OCD things before he swallowed it. CBT's challenges showed him that he wasn't going to choke and that he could eat just fine. I don't know why he couldn't figure that out on his own but I guess in a safe en...

It's been a strange day. This morning Ewen's jitteriness was really bad. He was very uncomfortable and huffing a lot and swishing saliva. He got up at 5am and watched Agario videos on YouTube for hours. At 8:30 am I have him an extra quarter of propranolol than usual and told him to pay attention and let me know if that eases up his jitters. An hour later he told me the propranolol made no difference with that. I was very worried and wondering if we should just stop this Prozac. I gave him a back and head massage that seemed to help him some. Then he seems to get better towards the afternoon. He was happy and hung out willingly with his sisters. He hadn't been that sweet and happy, like his old self, in a very long time. He was even joyful again. It was amazing to see the depression had lifted. Now we just need the activating side effects to go away. I want him to feel calm and happy and comfortable. Tomorrow we have CBT and an appt with the psychiatrist who prescribed the ...

I'm posting again today because Ewen went to soccer practice tonight. I told him he could leave after an hour as DH was going out there to the fields and staying just incase. But Ewen stayed at practice the whole 2 hours and according to DH, had fun. Now he is at home. He had some food, a bath and he is currently relaxing at his computer. I just asked how he was and he said..."good!" That is a much different answer than the previous times he has come home from rigorous exercise. I can't believe it. This is very good news. This is the normal I have been aching for for so many weeks. -Just wanted to share!! :) Now we will see how bed time goes as I am off to boot him off his computer and usher him to bed.

After two weeks of intensive CBT every day and 3.5 weeks of Prozac, this is where we are. I would like to be further than this but I have to be patient I suppose. Good: Much better mood Goes to sleep at night much more easily (let DH put him to bed 2 nights ago) No random depression Hangs out with sisters again Takes baths Can go out a little more Was willing to go to Jax to play a soccer game (it ended up getting cancelled) Bad: Doesn't want to go to the grocery store at all (more than just boring) Huffs frequently (a tick) When he is not occupied by a video game or show he smacks saliva in his mouth (tick) Woke up last night with anxiety (BUT was able to deal with it and get back to sleep) Very tired in the morning and also very jittery and "wiggly" Can't sit still any time of the day unless he has something mentally-stimulating distracting him Excessively tired and depressed after rigorous exercise (not just across town but also from rigor...

I'm still really confused about where we are. I know that Ewen's anxiety seems to be lower but he is still not comfortable in his own skin. He can't sit on the couch without doing a forward roll or winding his limbs into some sort of a pretzel and making squawking noises. He is very focussed on what he wants to do and it seems like his number one priority is to make sure that he is doing something where he feels comfortable and mentally stimulated.  I can't tell if the Prozac is making him antsy and uncomfortable or if he would be that way anyway without it. I remember when we started taking it I was so ready for some help. We haven't come to the 4 week mark yet but it confused me when his Dr. said that he Prozac hould start helping after a couple of weeks. Before him, the other doctors said up to 5 weeks when he tried Lexapro, and that is what I have read online about SSRI's too. So I'm wondering if our wonderful doctor is not so so wonderful. Or maybe...

I'm sitting with him on his bed while he falls asleep and all his mouth saliva noise and lip smacking and huffing is driving me insane. He is trying to fall asleep. I suppose his anxiety is this much because he was allowed to fall asleep an hour after his bed time because his class play (that he left behind when he left school) was tonight and he agreed to meet his class for ice cream after the play. I thought this was a big step forward so I let his bed time slide a little . I wasn't sure about the timing since we put his Prozac up. Then when we got there I let him order his ice cream and he came back with a monster chocolate sunday with gummie worms and mnm's among with the chocolate and whipped cream. Sugar is not good for anxiety or cut bacteria and he already had a ton of sugary soda at the faire today. So I was dismayed when I saw what he came back with. I ended up taking it away from him after he ate half of it. That was fun to do in front of the other parents. I...

The Dr. called me today (because I had left a message saying I had questions about side effects) and he said some stuff that surprised me. Before I even spoke he told me that if Ewen is uncomfortable from the medicine 3 weeks in then he needs to stop it. I said that we weren't even up to the 10mg yet so I don't know if it is working for him or not yet. I said that I don't know if the jitteriness and lethargy are from the medicine and the hives went away so maybe the other stuff will too. He said that I know my kid and if he is uncomfortable, then to stop it. I said, well I want to give it the 6-8 weeks you hear about and he said it should work within 2 weeks. I was surprised at that because online everyone says give it 6-8 weeks. He said that the 6-8 weeks thing we hear about has to do with the fact that when there are clinical trials, the kids on placebo stop getting better at 6-8 weeks but the kids on Prozac keep getting better. That is something I had never heard bef...

This is getting to be hard. Today at CBT he was wiggling all around, sliding all over the couch and flopping his head on to the floor. He was very uncomfortable and I wondered if it was a side effect of the Prozac that his legs are so restless. The therapist said it was anxiety and she said he had to sit up and keep his legs still for the rest of the session. He tried and he started to cry he was so uncomfortable. It made me cry too. It felt wrong and weird and I was trying so hard to trust this young therapist. Finally he curled up in a ball and said I'm DONE. And I rubbed his back. She said that he was going to do it tomorrow for timed increments. I talked to DH about it tonight and he said that if it was from anxiety that we would se it when he did other things that made him anxious, and he agreed that it was likely to be a side effect from the Prozac. Either way, forcing him to be still when he had energy to get out looked like torture to me and it felt wrong. I took hi...

Last night Ewen came to our room at 4am and wanted to lie down in our bed. DH let him lie down then he himself went to go and sleep on the couch since it gets a bit too crowded now that Ewen isn't a little kid anymore. Then my 6-year-old showed up at about 5am so it got crowded regardless. I was too tired and out of it to protest or put anyone back in their beds. But Ewen woke up happy that morning next to his little sister and me. That was great. When I got back from taking his little sister to her school he was at his computer, looking at Youtube videos of people opening Fifa card packs and laughing. That was good too. At 9:30am we left for our 10am CBT appt across town and it was with the overzealous therapist. So when she called us back I told Ewen to stay in the waiting room for a second and I asked her in the hallway if we can have very toned down session today with lot of successes because he was a mess yesterday after CBT. I said his anxiety was through the roof and it c...

Hi Jason, To give you an update on Ewen. He is still taking the beta blocker a little and is on day 20 of Prozac. The main side effect of the Prozac right now is extreme fatigue and it comes with the most intensity (like he has been "hit by a truck") after Ewen plays soccer or exercises vigorously, and it lasts for hours. We are so close to the 4-week mark when the Prozac is supposed to start actually helping more than hurting, so we don't want to stop now that we have come this far. But at the same time it is really hard for him that it is affecting his soccer and the team. He has literally breathed soccer since he was 2-years-old. So this part of his ordeal is one of the most alarming and confusing.  If this Prozac fatigue side effect doesn't wear off in the next 2 or 3 weeks, he will have to change medicines to a different SSRI then we all wait all over again for another 4 weeks to see if this next SSRI helps without more awful or debilitating side effects...

I'm at gymnastics with with the girls, sitting in the parents area. Ewen is at soccer tonight. He went with the car pool and DH headed out there on his own when he got back from work. I loaded him up with all the medicine that Ewen takes at 7pm. Soccer practice is usually from 5:30-7:30 but DH is going to go get him from the field at 6:30. This way we can ease hm back in again. It is pretty iffy not knowing if the Prozac is making him so fatigued that soccer sucks or what to do about it. Over the next 2 weeks we plan to get him up to 10mg. I'm wary though because of his fatigue and today at CBT he was very splotchy and squirmy. I'm starting to think that maybe when he is super stressed at CBT that he gets splotchy from stress. Today he hung on to me as we sat on the little couch in the little tiny room like when he was little with how clingy he was. Today we worked on his swallowing and he practiced with a granola bar. Katie took bites of her granola bar and they time...