Today Ewen was tired but did OK on the couch at CBT. He squirmed a bit but he was much less wiggly than just a few days ago when we put his dosage up to 10mg. He practiced eating a yogurt with granola to see if he could chew it up and swallow it as quickly as his therapist. He won his challenge and he said that he has been eating these yogurts anyway on his own with no problem. I asked him if he throat was still tight and he said, not when he wasn't thinking about it and just eating. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but I couldn't believe that CBT had actually helped make it so that he could eat properly again without feeling like he was choking. He has stopped spitting out his food and stopped swishing it around in his mouth and doing other OCD things before he swallowed it. CBT's challenges showed him that he wasn't going to choke and that he could eat just fine. I don't know why he couldn't figure that out on his own but I guess in a safe environment with people cheering you on, then it is much easier to come to those conclusions that you really are OK and not going to choke, than if you are on your own and not really sure of anything.
After CBT we went to pick up his little sister from his old school that I pulled him out of after he started having panic attacks. At the time I thought that the academic pressure and the disorganization of the teacher had triggered his panic attacks. It may have been her, but there were signs before that, that I never would have noticed as being troublesome even though I realize now that they were. I thought when he told me that he was worried that when he was playing soccer at recess near the woods that he thought a spider had bitten him and it might be a Black Widow and that I should drive him to the hospital...I thought it was a bit funny. I assured him that the tiny mosquito bite on his leg was NO WAY from a black widow and he was fine. I didn't realize he was coming apart at the seams and that his anxiety (he calls it trash, at CBT) was telling him to believe terrible things and he was loosing perspective about what was true and what was simply complete paranoia.
Thank goodness that CBT has been so helpful for him. They got him to name the anxiety and talked to him about how to tell "Trash" to go away and leave him alone. They helped him figure out the difference between Ewen thoughts and Trash thoughts, and helped give him the confidence to believe Ewen and not Trash.
Today is 4 weeks on Prozac and he seemed to be doing better today too. He has more confidence. The problem with the Prozac is the tiredness he feels sometimes and also the jitteriness. I think that they will both pass most likely. We went to see his psychiatrist later on in the afternoon today and talked about the side effects and also about the positive aspects of Prozac. Ewen said that he didn't like the jumpy leg thing happening to him but that it wasn't there when he was engaged in something he found to be interesting. I also said that we seemed to have turned a bit of a corner with his happiness and confidence. The Dr. said it was good that he didn't have the usual side effects of nausea and headache. So with the 3 of us in agreement, we decided to stay the course with the Prozac and not try to switch to Zoloft, which was the next plan. I liked that idea because I have taken Zoloft before and it was a very difficult 4 week transition from side-effect-hell to happiness. It happened, but it was hard. I told the doctor that I gave Ewen a propranolol (beta blocker) to try and ease the effects of the jitteriness and it didn't help. The Dr. said it should have helped. I thought that was interesting and was at least glad that we had something that was supposed to help that side effect. Maybe Ewen was too quick to say it wasn't helping? Who knows.
When we came home Ewen relaxed and was in good spirits. I have just joined a meal club called BlueApron.com that gloriously sends food in the mail, divided into the perfect portions to cook recipe's. So I went to go and make our first meal while he went to edit an Agario video. His sisters where home with my Mom watching them for me and they were in good spirits too. I made a fantastic dinner of meso ginger chicken with roast garlic boc choy and sweet potatoes. Ewen felt well enough to come to the table and for the first time since December 15th, we all sat at the table and everyone was happy and relaxed and DH and the kids LOVED the food. Ewen didn't huff at all. He laughed and was very silly. He loudly complimented the food and ate it easily. I was pretty much overjoyed to have my family back with Ewen at his usual place of shining sun. It was everything I had been hoping and dreaming of for weeks...months now. How funny how amazing normal can be. Before all of this I probably would have been grumping at him to be more polite and stop joking around so much at the dinner table and to be quiet and not so annoying. But today I was soaking in the happiness of the family and was grateful that I didn't feel the old irritation but a new sense of relief and joy. We are not perfect and maybe our table manners aren't anywhere close to what I grew up with as a child in England. But tonight I didn't care. It was utterly priceless to have him back happy and engaged and eating properly. I also felt gratitude for his therapists.
So the road ahead is not crystal clear at all. I don't know if the side effects are gong to clear up or if his awful wiggly leg thing will continue to bother him. But I will try not to focus too much on it for now and try to focus on normal and OK and home school. For home school Ewen has been doing lots of learning Java Script code on The Khan Academy website. What he is learning at home probably won't be tested on the statewide exam. But it is a good thing for him to know. We have also been working on parts of speech a lot and I am learning and remembering as we go through the 6th grade workbook I got him (yes he is in 5th grade but I wanted him to practice for next year).
Today his doctor said he was a genius when his Attending in the room kept commenting on how smart Ewen is. It was nice to feel pride instead of fear at the doctors office. I had become accustomed to working so hard and figuring out what the right thing to do was while talking to doctors, that I felt like this was the first time I could actually soak in what was being said at a normal level instead of an blindingly-urgent one. Ewen has always brought so much pride and joy and so when this all happened to him, when he went down that terrible hole of anxiety and depression, I felt like I was just dangling by my feet from the top, holding on to his hand for dear life. He is sitting, if not at the top, but very near and there is no more scrambling. I don't know if it is the Prozac or the CBT or both. I don't know. But the road ahead doesn't seem as arduous. I'm not dreading tomorrow anymore.
When I put him to bed he did a lot of huffing (blowing air our of his mouth in a huff sound) as a nervous tic. I sat in the chair next to his bed as I always do as he falls asleep and finally he went quiet and I hope in my heart that he soon finds peace and doesn't need to do that anymore.
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