A Good Day

Last night Ewen came to our room at 4am and wanted to lie down in our bed. DH let him lie down then he himself went to go and sleep on the couch since it gets a bit too crowded now that Ewen isn't a little kid anymore. Then my 6-year-old showed up at about 5am so it got crowded regardless. I was too tired and out of it to protest or put anyone back in their beds. But Ewen woke up happy that morning next to his little sister and me. That was great. When I got back from taking his little sister to her school he was at his computer, looking at Youtube videos of people opening Fifa card packs and laughing. That was good too. At 9:30am we left for our 10am CBT appt across town and it was with the overzealous therapist. So when she called us back I told Ewen to stay in the waiting room for a second and I asked her in the hallway if we can have very toned down session today with lot of successes because he was a mess yesterday after CBT. I said his anxiety was through the roof and it came from being worked above adequate stress levels when he was here. She said OK. Then she said that she wanted to see Ewen on his own today. I said, "no". I said that I felt like after he came home wrecked that I felt like I needed to be there.
She was a little stunned (although I was very respectful to her when we spoke). She said that she didn't think that was the best thing for him but OK. I am pretty confident in what is best for Ewen so I didn't feel to bad about saying no. I know I am not always right, but I was right on this one.

When we all sat down in her office she asked Ewen what happened yesterday and how did he feel after CBT? At first he said, "oh, fine!" But she asked again and he started to admit that he felt pretty crummy. I asked if I could add my input and she said yes. I said that he was scared because he had been told that since he failed at some of the swallowing timed tasks he was told that his lightening would go up (anxiety levels).  So he didn't even wan to eat lunch and the he got in a really, really bad mood by 3pm that afternoon because he hadn't eaten anything. Ewen agreed.
So the therapist said that that was not what she meant with the lightening thing and that at the end of the session yesterday they told him he did a great job and did even better swallowing his food quickly the day before. I thought that was interesting that he was harping on the failures instead of the successes, there goes that "trash" making him feel bad again (his name for his anxiety). The therapist seemed to clarify it all for him, that he hadn't failed really and that his lightening didn't go up. Then when he did his swallowing challenges today she had him take smaller bites so it was easier and she was appropriately gentle with him. He ended up being successful and did great with swallowing the apple sauce without swishing it round in his mouth first or as they say, doing his OCD rituals with it.

After CBT we drove home (he was happy in the car instead of miserable) and when we got home he and I jumped on the trampoline for a while and kicked the little squishy ball around for a bit. Then he sat on the couch and read Percy Jackson while I tidied up and he made a few huffing noises (his tick) but it wasn't bad and I was so happy that he was reading again (something else they did in CBT since he thought that reading Percy Jackson novels was contributing to his anxiety so he stopped for a while). So I was really glad to see he could read his beloved books again...and that he was calm enough to also. CBT truly has been incredible for bringing him back from the depths of fear. I'll need to make sure I let them know how grateful I am and not just seem grumpy with them.

Then his homeschooled friend Athens, came over with his mom and toddler brother. I got the doll house out for his brother and Athens and Ewen played some Minecraft. Then they went on the trampoline and then a short bike ride. At that point we had to leave to pick up Ewen's sisters from tutoring and from school. He did well in the car. He watched Brain Pop on my phone and learned all about different branches of government. We went over that in detail on the way home and I told him that there was going to be a test on it.

I have actually been a bit worried about the lack of academics going on at our homeschool.  But we are focussing now mostly on recovering and that entails social interaction with low pressure, and lots of exercise. So that is what we are doing. He is also so far ahead and so smart that when he goes to middle school next year he will still be ahead. DH said that maybe this was good because it will even him out with his peers so he won't be so bored next year. I'm not sure I agree with that. I also told him about the stuff we are doing in homeschool. I have taught Ewen some chords on the guitar, he practices typing, he has learned how to use Final Cut Pro and edit his Agario videos. He does the Khan Academy every day doing either math or computer programming. He does a language arts and a science workbook every day, and he reads. So he is not really lacking for learning. Although since CBT started we haven't done as much learning at all. I think that also pushing up his Prozac has made things harder for him with concentrating and having more anxiety and being jittery.

So that is one of the reasons that it was so nice that he did well today. It probably also helped that I gave him half a propranolol each time he was due for one instead of just a quarter, like I had been doing the previous few days trying to wean him off it. I reminded myself that when I was on my third week of an SSRI when I went through all this myself, that I was popping Ativan twice a day to counteract the awful activating side effects of Zoloft. So maybe this was not the time to start weaning him off Propranolol, and that we should probably do that after he is stable first from the Prozac. I don't know when that is going to be. I have read that the usual amount of time can be after 4 weeks, but mostly 6-8 weeks because apparently Prozac is a "slow burner" as they say on the Crazy Meds site.

I decided today though that instead of constantly wishing and hoping for his meds to kick in and bring my Ewen back, that instead I was going to find some contentment in how things are now. This now is my new normal and I decided I need to be OK with that and find some enjoyment in there too if possible.

The best part about today is that Ewen came back from soccer practice OK. He was even in good spirits when he walked in the door. Perhaps it was because his teammate/friend who lives near by rode home in the car with them. Perhaps it was because I gave him his Propranolol and Inositol at the exact time he is supposed to have them: 9am 12:30pm 4pm (then Jeff gave them at 7:30pm along with his 1.1ml Prozac). I even put alarms on my phone so that they would be at the exact times. Who knows why he had a good day today (and a horrible day yesterday). I can't imagine it could all lay on CBT. Maybe it was a combination of CBT and Prozac weirdness. I don't know.

But today was good. He was a bit emotional going to bed and just wanted to play Agario instead which is is not allowed. I have strict rules now at bed time, even if they are fairly lax throughout the day. He must get off the computer at 9pm now and he must have lights out and try to go to sleep at 9:45. The fact that he complains about this and asks for more freedom, makes me flabbergasted. I don't budge. I am a brick wall with this and he gets that. If I can do one thing to keep him mentally healthy, it is get him to sleep at a decent hour and get him those good solid 10 hours that his amazing brain so desperately needs right now.

So I can't believe soccer was good. He got all that exercise and was happy afterwards. Oh, and I told DH to please make sure he had tons of Gatorade so the electrolytes would help him...and so he did drink lots of it. So maybe that helped too??? I don't know. I wish I had gone to medical school. There is too much shit I don't know...I want to know everything and I don't want to make any mistakes. It feels like the stakes are too high.

He is sleeping in his bed now. Hopefully the Prozac won't wake him up tonight and the both of us can get a good night's sleep. I want another good day tomorrow. We will see.