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Based Out of Love

(first night at 5ml's of prozac, went up from 3ml's)


When I apologetically mentioned to Amira's tutor that I find my moods tend to be dictated by how my children are doing these days, she told me that was to be expected and that I was too hard on myself and gosh she'd like to send me to Hawaii for a vacation.

Her house is near our's. I love that we can walk there and her living room is like an oasis. There is no great wealth in her living room. There is a stylish and comfy couch with some bright cushions. Her windows are the old kind but they are huge. She opens them up and they let in golden morning light and the sheer curtains blow gently in the breeze. She always has one candle burning so when we walk in and put Amira's books down take our shoes off and take off our coats, something smells really good. She plays a Pandora station of music that is both soothing and uplifting. I'm so glad that Amira gets to go there for a few hours of the day. She does a tiny bit of math and spends most of the day reading books and writing stories. It is pretty much the perfect situation for a her, although a little more social interaction with her peer group would be a good thing. She didn't do as well today emotionally as she has been and I was disappointed that her Buspar isn't actually the magic bullet. She didn't cry tonight but she had a couple of moments of putting her head down in despair today and that hadn't happened after taking the Buspar until today. It is still better though.

Ewen had a crummy day too. He woke up feeling crummy and he was anxious all day. I didn't really know what to do because this far in to the Prozac he shouldn't really been dealing with anxiety so much anymore...he was saying he was getting the symptoms of the racing heart and not being able to take a full breath. So tonight I gave him a bit more propranolol than usual and that seemed to help him. We also gave him the full 5 ML's of prozac tonight instead of 3. We jumped him right up to the 20mgs that his Dr wants him to be on. I thought that maybe it would finally tackle the anxiety if he was on this dose. Hopefully this dose will help him and not be further indication that his body doesn't like this medicine.

He wanted to try going up to 5ml's too. I asked him if he wanted to and told him he might feel really crappy tomorrow. He gave the thumbs up and took it happily. He wants to feel better too. He trusts us. We are always trying to make the right decision based on facts and figures and what we believe to be in his best interest. But when I am feeling worried about making the wrong decision or maybe I should have done something else...I think to myself, every decision I ever made for him was based out of love. So even if in hindsight it turned out to not be the best one, at lease I know that it was based on something good, pure and real, and the strongest tool we have as a parent.

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