We are on week 5 of Prozac. Ewen is out of his dark hole but he still can't sit even remotely still and relax if his mind isn't fully occupied with something very stimulating like video games or something of his choice. He does well on bike rides and hanging out with friends. He goes on the trampoline and he can play soccer and go to 2-hour practice again. He is still wiped out emotionally afterwards but enjoys it while he plays which is a HUGE, massive improvement from avoiding soccer practice at all costs and telling me he is going to quit next season because he just doesn't enjoy it anymore.
Yesterday, Valentines day, I gave him and his (almost) 13-year-old sister a joint birthday party/ Valentines Day party and we rented a tent and a dance floor for the back yard. DH got an iTunes DJ app and set up the stereo outside. He synched up some play lists the kids put together with the app and we had a full on dance party with all of Ewen's friends and his sister's friends. DH and I invited a couple of our friends too and asked some parents to stay so there were over 50 people at our 850 square foot house. Luckily the weather was perfect and we have a nice front porch and a big back yard so there ended up being plenty of space. When people first walked in to the front porch we had a "love potion" made up of Sprite, strawberry lemonade and sherbet waiting for them where they could choose a mason jar with a cute paper straw with hearts on it, and they had to write their name on the paper heart that I had hot-glue-gunned to the front of the jar. So they were greeted with this fancy punch and cute cup to bring inside.
We basically had different stations all over the house. The living room was the Fifa PS4 station. The dining room was the "make a valentine card" station. Our bedroom was where people put their coats (on our bed). Ewen's bedroom is where everyone put the presents (on his bed) and he also had his friends play some video games on his computer. The girl's room was where the little kid's played since our little one has her toys and doll house in there. Then outside (you walk out of the kitchen to our raised back porch) and that is where DH set up the DJ booth on a table. Then down in the middle of our back yard was where the dance station was (15x15 tent and 12x12 dance floor). Behind the dance floor was the trampoline station, to the left of the dance floor was the fire pit on the brick patio with chairs all around it. And finally to the right was the playset where the little ones went on the swings. We put lights up around the trees and around the tent and had some disco balls with swirling and flashing lights. The house was nice and clean, I had fresh daisies in little jars around the house and a candle burning in the bathroom.
Ewen was happy and excited to have his soccer friends there and was very excited to be getting presents. He really had fun which was so awesome to see. I was nervous that by giving this party I was being overly ambitious. I didn't even talk about it until about 2 days before. The day of, before it started he was nervous and a little grumpy but trying to be OK. He got splotchy and hivey so he went on a bike ride because he said that that helps.
But both kids had great fun with their friends. DH and I played the songs that we liked after the kids lost interest and had already danced wildly to The Whip/Ney Ney and What Does the Fox Say etc. DH and I danced to our wedding first dance song at the end of the night. We were the only ones on the dance floor since everyone was doing something else at that point and our six-year-old stood at the edge of the dance floor and watched us until we beckoned her over and danced with her too.
So it was a good night. I put Ewen to bed a little after 10pm and we talked for a long time. It was 11pm before he went to sleep. He was happy and a bit wired but he fell asleep OK with some huffing and lip smacking but not too badly.
Today he seemed to huff a bit less than usual and tonight I gave him a bit more Prozac. I put it up to almost 3ML's with I think is about 13 or 14 MG's. His Dr said that 10 MG's isn't enough to treat a panic disorder. I'm not sure I want to put it up all the way to 20 but I am willing to put it up to 4ML's. Not sure about 5. I don't know. I am so scared of medicine that alters your brain chemistry, but also thankful for it if it gets my kid back to happiness and out of that terrible dark hole he was in. He still has difficulty concentrating on anything that isn't his choice. He doesn't listen well and is very spacey. If I tell him to get off his computer he says "yes OK" nicely then completely ignores me. Then when I raise my voice he is completely shocked and doesn't remember me asking him the first time. It is very weird and frustrating. Tonight he is up very late. He is spitting the extra saliva in the sink, that he gets from anxiety and huffing a lot. The later he stays up the harder it gets for him. DH is putting him to bed tonight since I have had a headache this afternoon/evening.
So Ewen will be 11 in a few days. I hope that we will leave the 10-year-old with panic behind and rediscover himself as the 11-year-old with hope, confidence and joy.
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